Wild card contenders, or the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked? Part 2

In part 1 of "Wild card contenders, or the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked," I gave my thoughts on the Tigers starting position players. In part 2, lets discuss the rotation.

Remember, I'm staying away from saber style stats. It's mostly greek (save for WHIP) to me, so I'll stay with the basics.

Kenny Rogers: Is he an ace? No, he's here to buy time for, and take some pressure off of, Jeremy Bonderman and Justin Verlander. But if (You'll hear that often about the Tigers chances, lots of "If's") age doesn't creep up on the Gambler, you should be able to plug him in for approximately 15 wins, a 4.00 ERA, and 200 innings. Not the stats you'd expect from an ace, but more of a middle of the roation innings eater. An 8 million dollar a year innings eater with camera issues. Rogers would be a great #3 starter, but he's an iffy #1, at best. Still, I'd rather have the Gambler at the front of the rotation this season than...

Jeremy Bonderman: How many of you were expecting Bonderman to break out last year and drafted him in your fantasy league? (raises hand) Bonderman lived up to the considerable hype before the All-Star break, winning 11 games and nearly making the All-Star roster. Before the break, he pitched like the ace the Tigers have been desperately seeking since Jack Morris left. After the break, he pitched like a bad Jose Lima, without the hot wife. Bonderman's ERA jumped nearly 2 points, and won only 3 games while pitching half the innings he did in before the break. Still, he's only 23, and the Tigers are not expecting him to be the stopper, that's why the Gambler was signed. So here's the question. How many of you expect Bonderman to pitch as he did in before the 2005 break over the full 2006 season, and drafted him in your fantasy league? (raises hand) Bonderman has the stuff for 18-20 wins, but still might be a year away from putting it all together. When he does, the Tigers will have their next Jack Morris.

Mike Maroth: Look up "End of the rotation crafty left handed soft tossing innings eater" in the encyclopedia and you'll see Mike Maroth's picture. Maroth = 200 innings, 12-14 wins with just as many losses, and a mid-high 4 ERA, you can book it. In a perfect world, you'd slot Maroth in the rotation's #5 spot, and be damn happy about it. But the Tigers don't have a better option for the middle of the rotation. Yet.

Nate Robertson: From looking at past history, you'd just plug in the same stats for Nate as you would Maroth. But...Nate is much more likely to break out of the .500 rut than Maroth, just due to his K ratios. He is definitely a better pitcher than the one that went 7-16 in 2005. Nate could put up Gambler-like stats in 2006. Honestly, I'd be happy with Nate's 2004 season, 12-10 with 155 K's, but with a lower ERA. He has the tools, just needs some consistency and a little luck. He was lacking both in 2005.

Justin Verlander: Along with Joel Zumaya, Verlander is the poster boy for the revamped Tigers farm system. Again, along with Zumaya, Verlander is the Tigers best pitching prospect since John Smoltz, which is saying almost too much. There has been some ROY the year talk, which seems kind of heady for a rookie #5 starter. In the big scheme of things, how many pitchers break out in their rookie year? For every Dontrelle Willis and Fernando Valenzuela, you have 10 rookie pitchers that are just happy to survive the season. But 150 innings, 10-12 wins, and a 4.50 ERA would keep me plenty happy, and set Verlander up for much bigger things. A one-two punch of Bonderman and Verlander, if they meet their vast potential, would match up with the best of MLB rotations. TheTigers haven't had a true top of the rotation duo since the heyday of Morris and Dan Petry.

When looking at the Tiger starting pitching, it looks potentially...OK. Not at a White Sox level of good, not one with a Cy Young winner, as have the Twins, or as solidly experienced as the Indians. (Even if the Indians have Tiger reject Jason Johnson at the bottom of their rotation) But overall, the Tigers starters should be league average. Not bad, when you only go back 3 years and see the likes of Gary Knotts, Nate Cornejo, Adam Bernero, and Matt Roney starting games. In a couple of more years, we may be raving about the rotation, but they aren't there quite yet.

I'm more worried about the bullpen than the starting rotation. There are tons of question marks, starting with a closer that deservedly earned the nickname, "Rollercoaster." And that's what we'll cover in part 3 of "Wild card contenders, or the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked?"

There's still a shred of journalistic integrity left at ESPN. Who knew?

From watching their numerous channels, you wouldn't think so, but the Worldwide Leader in Sports still has some employees with integrity on the payroll. The Sports Frog pointed to a NY Times piece on the consternation developing in the ESPN ranks caused by the upcoming Barry Bonds "Bonds on Bonds" reality show.

The gist of the article says that in a meeting between ESPN suits and the journalistic grunts that toil at at the WWLiS, the grunts aren't happy with the suits using a checkbook to get access to Bonds. There is also the disturbing fact if any "News" comes from those tapings, said news will be withheld till the airing of that show. That there is a conflict of interest is as obvious as Chris Berman's toupee.

So what was the suits' explanation? That "Bonds on Bonds" is a production of ESPN Original Entertainment, not a production of the news gathering side. In their minds, never the twain shall meet. Yeah, right. And Stuart Scott doesn't have a lazy eye...


What pops first into my mind is, if "Bonds on Bonds" is entertainment and not news, then it should be shown on an entertainment channel, not on ESPN. I know I'm railing at windmills, but ESPN has been on a slippery slope for several years. This is just the latest, and possibly worst, misstep they've taken.

If the WWLiS is going to continue to churn out schedule filler like their made for TV movies, scripted dramas, faux documentaries, game show like competitions, and reality shows, then just convert ESPN2 into an entertainment only channel. For that matter, just start a new network for that product, and call it ESPN3, ESPNE, ESPN Low Budget Manufactured Drama, ESPN Stoops Lower than FOX, ESPN Loses Their Integrity Here Daily. Whatever works...

There's not a thing wrong with ESPN's legitimate investigative or documentary style productions. Unfortunately, for every decent piece, such as "Through the Fire: The Sebastian Telfair Story," the entertainment division produces, they continue to pump out 10 times as much crap. They are inspid shows that rival FOX's lowering of the TV bar, such as "Stump the Schwab," "Knight School," or "The Season with Dick Butkus who then bailed on the high school team he "Coached" when he met his contractual obligations."


It's interesting to note that ESPN's one true investigative journalism show, "Behind the Lines," is buried on the schedule at 12:40 am. But we have that wonderful afternoon schlock block of "First and 10," "Jim Rome is Burning," "Around the Horn," and the only worthwhile show, "Pardon the Interruption." I still want to curse Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon for what they've wrought. Thanks to them, and ESPN desperately trying to recreate PTI's chemistry, Woody Paige, Skip Bayless, Jay Marrioti, and Bill Plaschke continue to polute the airwaves.

Up to this point, I've tried to tolerate the entertainment-ication of ESPN, especially Sports Center. Lord, have I tried... Even the most ardent ESPN supporter has to admit the mothership is critically ill, and getting worse. Actual news is taking more and more a back seat to manufactured bits, with no signs of getting better. The lowest SC reached in recent memory being the Stuart Scott poetry slam segment. On second thought, it's Kenny Mayne doing SC stories about his appearing on "Dancing with the Stars." No, it's Digger Phelps and his matching tie, pocket square, and highlighter. Wait, it's the segments with sportswriters, who have sold their credibility and souls to ESPN, yelling at each other. Wait, I know, it's loudmouthed former jocks spewing inanities instead of analysis. Who on earth thought these were good ideas? I'd really like to know, and ask, "What drugs are you taking, as I'd love to see thru those rose colored eyeballs."

At least viewers are beginning to vote with their remotes. "ESPN Hollywood?" Cancelled. ESPN Classics' "Classic Now?" Toast. "Quite Frankly with Stephan A. Smith" is still alive, but not exactly kicking. My worst fear is that the infotainment is slowly, but surely, creeping into the one legitimate reporting entity the WWLiS has left, ESPN News.

Reading the Times article gives a sports fan hope that maybe, just maybe, ESPN's journalistic side can be saved from the insidious entertainment schlockmeisters. Reporters such as Pedro Gomez, whom the WWLiS has had on the Bonds beat for years, let the suits know that what they are doing isn't right. Even more refreshing to note is, according to the Times, the reporters and analyists that cover baseball were among the most critical. As they should be. But is it too late to do any good?

Can the brouhaha over "Bonds on Bonds" save us from more ESPN Original Entertainment produced pap? Will Sports Center ever restore it's now highly tarnished luster? Will Stu Scott ever stop with his pandering to the hipsters? Will ESPN continue to cross the journalistic conflict of interest DMZ? My best guesses? Sad to say, no, no, no, and a resounding yes.

The Times reported that ESPN had a guest speaker at this gathering, old school journalist Mike Wallace. What did Wallace say when told that the WWLiS was going thru with the Bonds show, despite the protests of their reporters?

"You've got to be kidding."

Couldn't have said it bettter myself...

Tommy Amaker, your "Great hands" man

Michigan is playing in the NIT championship game tonight. Can I have a show of hands of who'll be watching? How about those who care?

No one. I thought so.

Wait! I may have misspoken, Wolverine AD Bill Martin will be happily watching. He's quoted in today's Detroit News saying the program is in "Great hands." Not good, but grrrrrreat! Has he been watching the same team we all have over the last 6 weeks? The same team that laid a MASSIVE egg and squandered an almost locked in stone NCAA berth?

"There's no question I really think the program's in great hands with Tommy," Martin said. "I'm a huge Tommy Amaker fan. I think we've made great progress. We started 16-3 this year and we were well on our way this year to an incredible season when he started having injuries and things didn't work out. Tommy never made excuses and I admire that about him."

From reading that quote, Amaker doesn't have to make excuses, as that job belongs to Bill Martin. Injuries? Sure, but nearly every team, save the freakishly injury free Detroit Pistons (knock on wood), have to deal with injuries. Who wouldn't be happy with a 16-3 start, but do you remember their out of confrence slate? It was one that Tom Izzo would have been ashamed of scheduling. Nothing but a bunch of pushovers, cupcakes, wannabes, never-weres, and 2 schools that actualy play in power confrences. They were 1-1 against those legit D1 teams, beating Notre Dame (Who treats hoop the same way Michigan does, as a bothersome delinquent middle child as compared to the perfect #1 child that is football) and losing to UCLA.

During the out of confrence schedule, Michigan beat whom they were supposed to beat, as any team playing lower division mid-majors should. Unfortunately, they couldn't make hay where they had to, in the suddenly not quite so formidible looking Big Ten. Going 3-6 against ranked Big Ten teams isn't going to cut it.

Because of Michigan's down the stretch gag, not even their out of character win against the Illini could rescue the Wolverines from the NIT. There were those 3 huge losses down the stretch that sticks in every Michigan fan's craw and the NCAA committee held against them, deservedly, with extreme predudice. Getting blown out by Purdue, the choke job against Indiana, and the awful awful awful Minnesota game in the Big Ten tournament. Win one of those, you are probably in the NCAA's. Win 2, and you're a lock. Instead of coming up clutch, Amaker's team folded like your mom's rickety card table. Yet, Martin thinks the basketball program is in "Great hands."

Consider what Amaker's previous employer, Seton Hall, thought about the direction of their basketball program. In 5 years, Seton Hall head coach Louis Orr went 80-69, 3 over .500 seasons, with 1 NIT appearance and 2 NCAA berths. After going 18-12 this season and a one and done in the NCAA's, Seton Hall thought it was best to move on, and gave Orr the ziggy. Amker, since leaving Seton Hall with a very similar record to Orr's (Amaker averaged a 17-13 record over 4 years, to Orr's 16-13 in 5), has a 86-70 record at Michigan, 3 over .500 seasons, with 2 NIT appearances, winning 1. From what Michigan basketball standards look to be, a performance like Orr's would have gained Amaker a multi year contract extension.

Think about it, Llllloyd Carr has a similar season to Amaker's and Michigan fans are srceaming for his cranky ass head on a platter. To his credit, Carr is making changes. But expect the status quo in the basketball program, as that kind of season means hoop is in "Great Hands."

Despite what Martin would have you believe, winning (assuming a victory tonight) 2 NIT championships in a 3 year span doesn't show me that Amaker can rally the troops after crushing disappointment in not making the only tournament that fans care about. What it does show me is that Amaker's program isn't nearly good enough. Unless beating mid-majors, rarely winning big games, and NIT #1 seeds get you all tingly...

Michigan needs to do several things. Upgrade the facilities on a par with football, somehow get the fanbase fired up again over the basketball program, and make the basketball head coach more than the just the annoying little brother to Llllloyd Carr. To do all that, Michigan needs a coach that doesn't look upon the gig as a stepping stone. Michigan also needs to treat the head coaching position as a final destination for an established coach.

Look at the Michigan head coaches previous to Amaker. Johhny Orr (took Michigan to the '76 NCAA championship game) and Bill Frieder (A great recruiter who won a ton of games, even if he was too much of a loose cannon for Michigan's taste) were tired of being treated as the redheaded step children of the athletic department. Steve Fisher (A Frieder clone, just not nearly as eccentric) was a lucky SOB who was in the right place at the right time. Brian Ellerbee just happened to be hanging around the gym.

Too bad Rick Pitino, who was rumored to be very interested in the Michigan gig after the Ellerbe fiasco to end all fiascos, wasn't considered a good "Fit" for the Wolverines. Pitino could have taken Michigan to the next level with the fanbase, been instrumental in attacting money for upgrading the facilities, and would have put the basketball job at the level of the football gig. Lord God Bo wouldn't have cared for that, so rather than shoot for the moon with Pitino, the Wolverines took the conservative route instead, hiring the "Great Hands" of Duke pedigreed Amaker.

Michigan thought they would become Duke of the north, and were getting the next "Coach K" in Amaker. Instead, they got a mediocore coach who has devoloped a mediocore program. But not to worry, as Michigan hoops are in "Great hands."

It's called the "No Fun League" for legitimate reason

What's the latest from the NFL owners meetings? Read on...

1. The NFL plans on toughening enforcement on pass rushers who hit quarterbacks below the knees. Hitting the QB below the knees will result in a 15 yard personal foul and the offending defense will be required to play "Pro Bowl Rules." Cincinnatti asked for a retroactive hitting below the knees call against the Steelers, but was denied, and told to get a better backup QB. Other ways of protecting the QB are being considered as well. Defensive linemen will have to count from 1 Mississippi to 5 Mississippi before rushing the QB. A sack will be called if the QB is touched with 2 hands above the waist, is tagged anywhere on the body with one hand and told "You're it," or if the QB yells "Uncle," "No Mas," or "Mommy." The NFL is conferring with flag football league commisioners nationwide for other suggestions. When asked for comment, Deacon Jones just slowly shook his head, mentioned something about "Pink tutus," and walked away...

2. The use of video review will be expanded to include rulings on down-by-contact plays, end-zone celebrations, pass interference, holding, any personal foul, the tuck rule, offsides, illeagal procedure, delay of game, drop kicks, field goals, extra points, and safeties. There can be a booth review of every play after the 2 minute warning. Referees will no longer need to know the rule book inside and out, but will need electronics degrees. The networks have been advised that a 6 hour window per game will now be required. Sunday day games will now start at 9am EST.

3. Expect a severe crack down on end-zone celebrations. Players will no longer be allowed to do prop comic routines, end zone dances choreographed by Paula Abdul, use cheerleaders or their pom poms, breakdance, dramatic readings, heisman poses, popping and locking, the robot, pose downs, sign autographs, have simulated or real sex with the ball, make snow angels, or dunk the ball over the crossbar. (finger roll layups are still in a gray area) Players will be allowed to spike the ball (as long as it's done in a pc way), roll the ball as if in a dice game (a shout out to the gambling populace), and spin the ball while singing "The Dredel Song." The penalty for excess end-zone celebration will be a 15 yard personal foul, 30 yards if called on Terrell Ownens, Chad Johnson, or Joe Horn. Counseling will be provided by the league by requiring the offender to watch Barry Sanders highlight videos, and will be told to, "Act as if you've been there before and will be again." Repeat offenders will be given a stern talking to by geezers who played in the 50's and 60's, and will be told that "Jim Brown never spiked the ball" and "Now get off my lawn, you damn kid!"

4. The NFL is still looking to place a team in Los Angeles by the end of the decade. Los Angeles NFL "Fans" reacted with a collective yawn and then went to the beach. Saints owner Tom Benson volunteered to call moving companies for estimates.

Weekend flotsam & jetsam

Carlos Pena is no longer a Tiger. My opinion? About damn time. Then I hear all the gnashing of teeth from Tiger fans about losing Pena. We're all familiar with the Pena hype. He's a left handed bat, which the Tigers lack on the bench. True, but I think the Tigers will address that, sooner than later. He has prodigious power. True as well, when he's not striking out as just a prodigious pace. He's their best fielding first baseman. That's not hard to be, considering... His potential is unlimited. Maybe 3 years ago, but that's no longer the case. Thing is, Pena's 28! At 28, a player should be hitting his prime, not just sliding by, with the Tigers still waiting on his so-called potential. Chris Shelton had passed Pena by on the depth chart, by doing of all things, actually producing!

I've had enough of Pena's loopy swing, his month long slumps, his Rob Deer-esque strikeout totals, and his annual end of the season power surge tease. From all accounts, the Tigers have as well. One dimensional first basemen who stike out 120+ times a season, put up 25 home runs, and hit .250 aren't hard to find, and you don't have to pay them 2.8 million to sit on the bench.

Could Pena come back to bite the Tigers on the ass, as did Luis Gonzalez? Sure, there's a chance. But he has an even better chance of becoming the next Rico Brogna or Mike Laga. In other words, a dime a dozen fist sacker.

The Kansas City Star is reporting that the Chiefs could send the Lions first day pick from the KC Chiefs for Joey Blue Skies? Personally, it sounds like pie in the sky. If true, Matt Millen should jump all over that offer the way he hires coaches. Quickly and impulsively. I still don't understand why a team would trade for Joey, even with a renegotiated contract, if the Lions have to release him by June 1st anyway. After watching Joey for 4 years, I don't understand trading for him, period.

The Pistons win a tight game against Indy, get handled rather easily by the Nets, and...I could care less. The games mean little. The Pistons locked up the East top seed a couple of months ago, and have been treading water for the #1 overall seed. Their lead over the Spurs and Mavs has been hovering around 2 games up for over a month. We fans are bored, and constantly looking for cracks in the armor, usually biatching about the bench. Whom have been outplaying the starters over the past few games, finally showing the depth we've been waiting to see all season. It appears that the media are bored with them, paying more attention to the Miami Heat and the race in the West. The playoffs are still a month away. They can't start soon enough.

You can take the gist of the above paragraph, and replace what I said about the Pistons with the Red Wings. Same dominant team, different league.

As for the NCAA's, they've been fun as all hell to watch, especially seeing Billy Packer twist in the wind over his "Too many mid-majors are in the NCAA's" rant. Nothing better than an crotchety old crumudgeon having to eat crow. I hope his old TV partner Al McGuire is laughing his ass off, somewhere in the ether, over Packers foot-in-mouth act. This is the time of year when McGuire is sorely missed. A dead nuts believeable college hoop color man with unimpeachable credibility, who refused to take himself seriously.

On a final note... Let's never talk of my NCAA brackets ever again.

Newspaper sports pages: Old and busted. Bloggers: The new hotness

According to Sports Illustrated, the sports writing paradigm is changing from a newspaper/magazine monopoly to an internet based style, and the MSM journalists aren't happy. It's almost Darwinian in scope. But to truly see why sports coverage is changing so rapidly, just take a look at the Sunday paper.

I have two Sunday newspapers sitting here, the News/Freep and Oakland Press, and I gave their sports pages a cursory view at best. Considering they went to press last night around 8-9 pm, at the latest, how much news are the papers going to have that I don't already know? Other than what the latest rebates are on a new car, or find out who's headlining at strip clubs.

For that matter, what can your standard issue sportswriter give you that can't be easily found on the web? I rarely read actual beat writer game coverage anymore, as you can find the AP story and boxscore on the web within 15 minutes after the end of any game. About the only thing the beat writers can add in the next day's (Or in the case of The Sporting News and SI, next week's) article are locker room and press confrence quotes, and we all know how informative those can be...

I want opinion, I want rumors, I want analysis, I want to know what's going on all over the league. I don't want it once a week, like your typical newspaper "Notes" column, or a week later, such as what you'd get in your print copy of SI or TSN. Print beat writers rarely give that sort of coverage, as they are, obviously, afraid to lose locker room access. We're all aware that writers know much more than they are allowed to actually print. Sure, they get close to the athletes, closer than bloggers ever could, but what good is having that access if they are deathly afraid of offending players and the team?

Web writing may not always be more informative, or as literate (That can be debated, as Wobb Parker has a job), but it's usually much more entertaining, often more in depth, and always immeadiate. Why should I wait 24 hours to get the 800 word opinion of a columnist or a beat writer in regard to the Lions signing free agent QB's, when the local bloggers (With no length constraints), web sites, message boards, and sports talk radio have already dissected it to no end? And dissected those moves about as well, if not better, as a 5'5" columnist who would rather be a screenwriter, and never played the game, could.

Print journalists, and their corporate powers that be, need to change how they do things or they will be well on their way to becoming irrelevant. Booth Newspapers, with their Mlive site, get it. You want breaking news and opinion? They leave the Freep and News in the dust. Their beat writers, espcially Danny Knobler and Killer Kowalski, use the web to break news, talk about rumors and their legitimatcy, and to just plain keep their readers informed. Their blogs have become must reads. On the other hand, the News has pseudo blogs, but they are updated sporadically at best, and are not all that informative. A typical News "Blog" post is a short 2-3 sentence paragraph. The Freep doesn't even bother, showing their total cluelessness.

For example, where did you see first the Jim Leyland endorsed "Official" Tiger starting linup? On the web. Knobler's blog had it Saturday morning. Tom Gage has it in his so-called blog, early Saturday afternoon, but it's literally a 2 sentence blurb. Knobler adds his thoughts and brings a few other comments to the table in regard to the day's events in Lakeland. And if you didn't see it on the web, it's in today's News, buried deep inside, pretty much an afterthought.

The web also shows the newspaper journalists what people actually want to read and talk about. Check out what the local bloggers are obsessing over. Currently it's the Lions (Hell, always the Lions), the Tigers, men's college hoop, and the Pistons, pretty much in that order. As the NCAA tournament ends, and the playoffs loom closer, look for the Pistons and Red Wings, in that order, to move to the fore.

But if you read today's sports section, the News has one full page devoted to tonight's MSU NCAA woman's tournament game. I didn't know the game was even being played. How many readers actually care, save for crazed alumns and family members? The majority of the front page is about the high school boy's basketball finals, which does deserve coverage. But again, high school sports would be low on most people's radar. The papers feel they have to be politically correct, as the women's and high school coverage show.

Today's paper also full of AP stories on the men's NCAA tournament. So subscribers and newsstand buyers are paying a buck fitty for content they can find for free anywhere on the web? That's another sign of the fall of the newspaper, due to cost cutting, they don't send their own writers to cover events unless a local team is involved, or it's so huge, it can't be ignored. As for the coverage you do get, it's pretty much the same that a blogger could give from watching it on the tube. Save for those illumninating locker room quotes...

Am I givng bloggers too much credit? Possibly. But the fact that this is being discussed, and the MSM is finally acknowledging web sports coverage, shows that things are changing. For the better.

The Lions don't need a GM, they need an underboss

The continuing sopa opera that is our beloved Lions is fascinating to watch. Today is no different.

There is news in regard to the Lions going after Charles Rogers, and the return 10 million of his signing bonus. Word is that it appears that the new labor agreement will keep the Lions from doing so. As per the Killer, the Lions were planning to act like pissed off loan sharks and possibly kneecap Charles Rogers.

The Lions never expected to get that money back anyway because most of it has already been spent. What the Lions were really looking for was the threat of going after the money (forcing him to sell things off, etc.) to help keep Rogers in line.

So who's in charge of the Lions salary cap and contracts? I thought the front office money wizard was Tom Lewand, but with those tactics, I think Paulie Walnuts runs the Lions front office.

"Yo Chuck, you wanna stay in da league, don't cha? Mebbe start Sunday? Wanna good werd put in wit Marenilli an Martz? Den gimme da keys to yer Escalade. Dat a new set of Pings? Put dem in da back, will ya? Ya wanna get us offa yer case? Don't wanna end up like Harrington? 1 TD a week ain't enuff no more. I wanna see 2 TD's dis Sunday. Or else..."

Threats of sending leg breakers or the repo man will keep most people, even drug addled wide outs, in line. I wonder if the Lions have considered using this sort of strategy on other players with on and off field issues.

Mike Williams is still built like a fatter Dmitri Young? Easy to fix, threaten to take away his house. I bet the weight will melt right off.

Dre Bly continues to mouth off in the lockerroom? A quick pistol whipping should quiet him down.

Eddie Drummond is hurt again? Kidnap a family member. That'll get him back on the field.

Kevin Jones still can't pick up the blitz? Threaten to cut his achilles with a razor. I doubt he'll miss another assignment.

Roy Williams continues to drop passes? Cut off a finger for every muff. I think that'll put an end to the dropsies.

Jon Kitna starts thowing picks? Tell him that he's going on a long drive upstate, a place familar to Jimmy Hoffa. I guarantee that his accuracy will improve significantly.

Josh McCown complains about playing time? Colombian necktie, 'nuff said...


Run the Detroit Lions like the Mafia, and I guarantee a first round bye in the playoffs.

Adam Morrison cried last night. Big deal, don't we all?

Can't a grown man cry? Hard? With heavy sobs?


We all saw Adam Morrison, either live last night or on highlight shows today, become a tad emotional. OK, he cried! He sobbed tears of sadness before the end (That was a bit much, I'll admit), and after the buzzer, of the Zags loss to UCLA. Come on, ease up on the little porn 'stached fella. They just lost an Elite 8 berth due to one of the biggest NCAA chokes you'll ever see. I'm sorry, but I can't blame him for crying. So what if he's a little sensitive?

Please, you have to admit that we all get emotional at times. So in honor of, and in sympathy for, Adam Morrison, here's some examples of when and what makes me break down...

I spill a beer.
I spill another beer.
My beer was empty, and I didn't realize it till after the barmaid left.
I run out of beer.
When I run out of beer and the stores are closed.
Warm beer.
Cold Pizza (Both the ESPN show and delivery)
When Marty Moronwheg was hired.
When I realized Matt Millen wasn't losing his job.
When Matt Millen took a wide receiver in the 1st round for the 3rd consecutive year.
Just thinking about Matt Millen.
"Hey dad? Wanna have a catch?"
The end of "Brian's Song."
The start of the Adam Sandler version of "The Longest Yard." (Or any Sandler movie, for that matter.)
Get hit in the face by a fastball. (I was 10 at the time... And it hurt!)
Anytime I hear "Git 'R Done!"
Whenever tOSU loses. (They don't have to be tears of sadness...)
Any and every Wobb Parker column.
Anytime Billy Packer gives the public a stern lecture on the validity of any college hoop issue.
When I think about the cloud of sadness that surrounds Joey Harrington. (Not even Matt Millen wants to talk to him...)
The day the Pistons cut Fennis Dembo.
The day the Pistons signed Christian Laettner.
When I came to the realization that the Tigers "Boy Wonder" GM Randy Smith actually had no idea what a "Professional hitter" was.
Did I mention any issue involving beer?
Bill Walton doing color commentary.
When the Lions lost in the playoffs to the Dallas Cowboys 5-0. (Again, I was a child and wasn't yet aware of the "Curse of Bobby Layne")
"Rudy, Rudy, Rudy" (I'm so ashamed)

So you Adam Morrison haters, cut the man some slack. Adam, you are not alone.

SNIFF...I need a hankie...

The Tigers' death spiral didn't begin with Mike Ilitch. Let's talk Tom Monaghan

After posting my piece on the evils of Mike Ilitch's Tiger ownership, I got to thinking. The march of the Detroit Tigers to baseball oblivion didn't begin with him. If you remember, Ilitch was gong to save the Tigers from the eccentric to a fault, the man who makes Mel Gibson's religious views look liberal, Tom Monaghan.

Monaghan had a 3-4 year honeymoon with the Tiger fanbase. It helped that he bought a team that was on the verge of greatness, that being the '84 Tigers. But after their last hurrrah in winning the Eastern division in 1987, the Tigers unraveled, with unprecedented speed, mostly due to Monaghan's ignorance and mismanagement. The last few years of Monaghan's ownership truly started the Tigers' spiral from the most loved team in Detroit to near irrelevancy.

What where some of the "Highlights" of the Tom Monaghan era?

Hired respected "Baseball" mind Bo Schembechler as President of the Tigers. Bo soon learned that a bull in a china shop football mentality doesn't work in the baseball world. The debacle of Schembechler running the Tigers into the ground and acting as mouthpiece for Monaghan nearly burned up the 25 years of goodwill he built up as coach of the Wolverines.

The last great GM of the Tigers, Bill Lajoie, was fed up with Monaghan's bowlderizing of the Tiger system, and left for greener pastures. It took over 20 years to finally find a decent replacement in Dave Dombrowski.

Players not shaving and looking rough around the edges offended his "Values." Remember the grief Monaghan gave Kirk Gibson? It was no wonder the leaders of the 1984 world champions bailed out of Detroit as soon as their contracts ran out.

The words "Free agent" were never to be spoken during Monaghan's ownership. Did the Tigers ever sign a big name free agent from 84-92? Cecil Fielder doesn't count, due to his being a refugee from Japan, and there wasn't exactly an overwhelming demand for his services. A fine example of blind squirrel meeting nut. Otherwise, the Tigers lost good players to free agency, and could never replace them. Under Monaghan's stewardship, the Tigers began to run their organization on the cheap.

While Monaghan was enthusiasticly cutting the Tigers budget to the bone, he was sphioning money from the Tigers to help keep the bastard brother of Little Cesears, Domino's Pizza, afloat, and finance his strange flights of fancy. Such as buying Drummond Island and making it a luxury getaway, building Domino's Farms, his fleet of rare, ultra expensive cars, luxury yachts, financing his über conservative Catholic and political viewpoints, $42 pairs of socks, and who knows what else. All you can say for certain is that the Tigers, their farm system, and the front office were a shell of their former selves when Monaghan sold out.

Monaghan, during his drive to leave downtown, called Detroit "One of the worst baseball cities" in America. His disdain for the city was the beginning of the downfall of Tiger Stadium. Monaghan desperately wanted to move the Tigers to the suburbs, specifically the Ann Arbor area. Thank God saner heads prevaled.

In his most grevious move, Monaghan used Schembechler as his point man to force the legendary Ernie Harwell out of the broadcast booth, replacing him with journeymen broadcasters Rick Rizzs and Bob Rathbun. "Goodbye baseball" still hurts my ears. Nothing against those two, as they were placed in an unwinnable situation, but their overtly homer style of calling a game was awful beyond words. Especially when compared with the elegantly understated Harwell. WJR claimed they made the horrible decision, but it was more than obvious that the order to release Harwell came from high in the Tiger front office.

Say what you will about Mike Ilitch, but many of his mistakes were made in trying to repair the problems that Tom Monaghan's neglect had created. Today, Monaghan may want to save souls with his version of christianity. But he didn't practice what he preached as an owner, as he crushed the souls of Tiger fans.

The 5 words Tiger fans DO NOT want to hear...

Ilitch to get more involved.

This is not good...

In no specific order, here's some of the other "Wonderful" things that happened when the pizza man (and I'm being generous calling it "Pizza") felt the need to get more involved...

Signed Randy Smith. Some "Boy Wonder" GM he turned out to be. Theo Epstein, he was not. A drunk Morris Buttermaker could have put together a better organization, and recognized more talent.

Let Tiger Stadium rot to help in his push to build Comerica Park. I admit that Comerica is wonderful, (as long as you don't sit along the third base/right field line during a day game, to do so is tempting sunstroke) and the Tigers needed a new stadium. But his regime, along with the city, let Tiger Stadium become a massive eyesore, even before it's closure. Why on earth is it still standing?

Illich was considered the prime force behind the trade for Juan Gone. Ilitch wanted a big name in the lineup for the opening of Comerica, no matter how much baggage they brought. And Juan Gone brought several steamer trunks worth. Could you imagine the shennigans that would be happening at Comerica today if Juan Gone signed the Illich approved 7 year, 144 million dollar contract? It would have been the highest of high comedy. We'd still be hearing the comedy stylings of "Latin American Liason," aka Juan's lapdog, Luis Mayoral, right Ian?

The Tigers remain unable (or outright refuse, depending on the source) to get a decent cable and OTA TV contract, leaving small market teams such as Tampa Bay and Kansas City with more televised games. 114 TV games is just unaccpectable in a top 10 media market. Actually, it's worse than unaccpectable, it's outright stupid and shortsighted. The Tigers have lost one generation of fans due to their on the field ineptitude, they will lose the next with their strange off the field media moves. Which leads to...

In a show of pure greed, an out and out cash grab, Ilitch leaves the Tigers long time radio home, the 35 state blowtorch signal of 50K watt powerhouse WJR, for the much much much much much lower powered WXYT. I sincerely believe that the WXYT transmitter is powered by 2 asthmatic hamsters and a rubber band. WXYT then powers down to 1 hamster at night. Remember all the hullabaloo we heard from the Tigers that Infinity, as part of getting the contract, was supposed to increase WXYT's signal? They did increase it to a daytime 50K, but it's so directional you still can't get a good signal 20 miles out of the D. Forget about listening to a Tiger night game unless you live within a Dmitri Young throw of their transmitter.

Allowed the debacle of 2003 to happen by demanding the reduction of payroll. Remember, Detroit is a top 10 market, and Ilitch was behaving as if Detroit was a small market team. To let a respected charter member of the American League to become a national laughingstock is unforgivable. What happened in the 119 loss 2003 season was just wrong on every level, and the ultimate responsibility falls on Ilitch. Utterly despicable...

Inflicted the evil that was Denise Ilitch upon the world. The pizza man then let her run roughshod through the Tigers organization, poisoning everything and everyone she touched, nearly running the Tigers into the ground.

Hired John McHale, Jr. as President and CEO of the Tigers, whose only seeming responsibility was to get Comerica Park built, everything else be damned. And everything else was.

Some of the other mind boggling contracts that were Ilitch approved: Tim Belcher, Mike Moore, Damion Easley, Bobby Higginson, Dean Palmer, Pudge Rodriguez, Magglio Ordonez. He's never seemed to learn that it's not a good idea to bid against yourself.

Possibly the pizza man's worst crime was not allowing Sparky Anderson to leave on his own terms. The face of the Tigers for nearly 2 decades did not deserve to be unceremoniously shoved out the clubhouse door. The fact that Sparky's number has not been retired is asinine. Even the Pistons have remained somewhat civil with Isiah Thomas, retiring his number and his name being placed on the court, regardless of the Isiah/Bill Davisdon split. You'd think the Tigers organization would prefer us to forget about the Sparky years, considering the lack of recognition the man has received.

So Mr. Ilitch, I repsectfully ask that you stay as far away from Dave Dombrowski and the Detroit Tigers front office as humanly possible. I'd prefer that you concentrate on making Little Caesars pizza platable for human consumption. Or work on building a new arena to replace The Joe, which currently has all the charm of Hitler's bunker. Post WWII... Anything but concentrate on the Tigers.

Please, I'm begging you...

The first day of QB school, or why the Lions signed Jon Kitna and Josh McCown

(DO NOT read this post if you are easily offended. Extremely NSFW language ahead. Please remember, this is satire! You have been warned...*)

Rod Marinelli: I am Rod Marinelli, your head coach and worst nightmare. From now on you quarterbacks will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be sir. Do you maggots understand that?

Joey Harrington, Dan Orlovsky, Shaun King: Sir, yes sir!

Marinelli: What's your name, rag arm?

King: Sir, Shaun King sir!

Marinelli: King? King of what? England? The world? Pain?

King: Sir, no sir!

Marinelli: That name sounds like royalty! Are you royalty, rag arm?

King: Sir, no sir!

Marinelli: Do you suck dicks?

King: What? SIR, NO SIR!

Marinelli: Bullshit. I bet you could suck a football through a garden hose.

King: SIR, NO SIR!

Marinelli: I don't like the name Shaun, only Bears and Buccaneers are called Shaun. From now on you're "Waiver Wire."

Marinelli: What's your name, thrid stringer?

Orlovsky: Sir, Dan Orlovsky, sir!

Marinelli: Bullshit! From now on your name is "NFL Europe." Do you like your new name?

Orlovsky: Sir, yes sir!

Marinelli: Where are you from, "NFL Europe?"

Orlovsky: Sir, UCONN, sir!

Marinelli: Holy dog shit, UCONN? Only lawyers and liberals come from UCONN! And you don't look much like a lawyer to me, so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?

Orlovsky: SIR, NO SIR!

Marinelli: I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister!

Orlovsky: Sir, yes sir!

Marinelli: Outstanding!

Marinelli: Today... is the first day of QB school! Your days of finger-banging ol' Mary J. Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! Coordinator Martz will tell you about how the Lions will conquer the NFC North with the aid of Matt Millen! Millen has a hard-on for the Lions because we destroy everyone we play! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep the waiver wire packed with fresh souls! Millen was here before the Lions! So you can give your heart to William Clay Ford, but your ass belongs to Millen! Do you ladies understand?

Orlovsky, King: Sir, yes sir!

Harrington: I don't wanna, and you can't make me.

Marinelli: You little scumbag! I got your name, I got your number, I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will not fumble, you will not throw picks, you will learn the playbook by the numbers Martz will teach you. Now get up, get on your feet! You had best un-fuck yourself or I will unscrew your head, Harrington, and shit down your neck!

Harrington: I said, I don't wanna, and you can't make me.

Marenilli: Oh that's right, Harrington, don't make any fucking effort to get to the top of the QB class. If Millen would have wanted you in the Pro Bowl, he would have miracled your ass to Hawaii by now, wouldn't he?

Harrington: I hate everyone, and everyone hates me.

Marinelli: Do you feel dizzy? Do you feel faint! Jesus H. Christ! I think you've got a hard-on!

Harrington: You heard me, I hate everyone, and everyone hates me. And I don't have a hard-on!

Marinelli: Were you born a spoiled, slimy, scumbag, puke piece of shit quarterback Harrington, or did you have to work on it with Tedford?

Harrington: Don't believe what Siragusa says!

Marinelli: Do you think I'm cute Harrington? Do you think I'm funny?

Harrington: Uh, nooooo...

Marinelli: Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face.

Harrington: What? I'm NOT smiling!

Marinelli: Well, any fucking time, sweetheart!

Harrington: I said...

Marinelli: Harrington, I'm gonna give you three seconds, exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!

Harrington: You'll what fuck me?

Marinelli: ONE! TWO! THREE!

Harrington: But I'm Joey Harrington! I was a top 3 pick!

Marinelli: Harrington, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me touchdowns, or I will definitely fuck you up.

Harrington: Shitting touchdowns?

Marinelli: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn't Moronwheg and Mooch show you enough attention?

Harrington: Did you say, "Fuck me up?" But I'm Joe...

Marinelli: Harrington, you Goddamn communist heathen, you had best sound off that you love Millen, or I'm gonna stomp your guts out!

Harrington: But...But...I'm "Billy Badass!"

Marinelli: "Billy Badass" my ass! Do I make you nervous?

Harrington: Huh?

Marinelli: Huh what? Were you about to call me an asshole?

Harrington: N-N-N-Noooo...

Marinelli: Why you little maggot, you make me want to vomit!

Harrington: I wanna talk to Jeff Tedford...

Marinelli: I'll bet you're the kind of quarterback that would fuck your center in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.

Harrington: I wanna go home to Oregon.

Marinelli: Harrington, are you quitting on me!? Well, are you!? Then quit, you slimy fucking strawberries and champange piece of shit quarterback. Get the fuck out of QB school. Get the fuck out of Detroit! Get the fuck out of Michigan! Now. Move it. I'm going to rip your balls off Harrington, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the NFL. I will motivate you Harrington, if it short-dicks every Lions fan in Detroit.

Harrington: I want my release! Today! Talk to my agent!

Marinelli: Harrington has dishonored himself, and dishonored his team. I have tried to help Harrington. I have failed.

Matt Millen: Drill serg...Uh...Coach Marinell! Coach Marinelli! I just signed Jon Kitna! And McCown is going to sign too!

Marinelli: OUTSTANDING!

*My apologies to Stanley Kubrick

Wild card contenders, or the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked? Part 1

The Detroit Tigers. Will they be an above .500 team that could make some wild card noise, or are the Tigers, to quote noted wordsmith Homer Simpson, "The suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked." In other words, the team we've become accustomed to watching for more than a decade.

Let's take a walk thru the anticipated starting lineup, as per the Detroit News. (Word of warning, these opinions are made without worrying about saber stats like OPS, adjusted production, runs created, and the like. I know that those numbers have value in determining how good a player truly is, but they also make Big Al's head hurt. So we'll stick to the basics...)

1. Curtis Granderson, CF: Could he be the best position prospect to come up thru the Tiger farm system since...Travis Fryman? That's how bad the Tigers' minor league system has been. If Grandy can play a respectable center field, hit .270 with some pop, say 15/70, and throw in 15 steals, it'll be a very successful first full season. If that best case scenario keeps the Tigers using Nook Logan as only a late inning defensive replacement and pinch runner, the better off the Tigers will be. He could be a long time Tiger fixture.

2. Placido Polanco, 2B: Dave Dombrowski fleeced the Phillies in getting Polanco for confirmed lunatic and currently imprisoned Uggie Urbina. Polanco is a solid pro, will hit .300+ and field the position well. Plug him in the 2 hole and the Tigers will have no worries at 2nd base this season.

3. Carlos Guillen, SS: Considering Guillen's past health issues, I would permenantly list him on the injured list as day-to-day. When healthy, he should be a top 10 SS, the player we saw in 2004. When healthy being the big caveat. So far so good this spring. If he can play 130 games, he'll put up numbers that'll make Tiger fans feel all warm and fuzzy.

4. Magglio Ordonez, RF: I gave my thoughts on Maggs a few weeks ago. He needs to hit for average. Hit for power. Hit a lot, period. We all know the big question that has all Tiger fans on pins and needles. Is Maggs still capable of putting up power numbers the Tigers so desperately need? I'd love to see .310/35/120 from him. But as was mentioned in the comments to my Maggs post, he just may not be capable of that, due to the vast wasteland that is the Comerica Park outfield and his slowly advancing age. Would 20+ dingers and 90-100 RBI's be enough? Considering the Tigers' needs and that massive contract, probably not.

5. Chris Shelton, 1B: Shelton's talent made Carlos Pena irrelevant and almost did the same to Dmitri Young. He can put the bat on the ball, pure and simple. Play Shelton everyday at 1st, hit him behind Magglio, and just leave him alone! Don't do anything else! Don't move him up and down the order. Don't rotate him with Pena and Young. Don't do anything but make out the lineup card with "3/Shelton" every day! He may not put up the HR numbers you'd like to see from a corner IF, but he'll hit for a high average and knock in runs. Hopefully, Shelton will be a Tiger for a very long time.

6. Dmitri Young, DH: (The News had Young batting 5th) Supposedly Young's in shape, and ready to make us all forget the cluster that the last 2 months of his 2005 became. But will the weight loss actually improve his bat? Will we see Dmeat step up with a 100 ribbies? No matter if he's young or old, fat or merely big boned, he always hits .280/15/75, give or take. OK for a low in the order DH, (I rather not see him hitting higher than 6th) not so good if you play a corner position. I do not want to see him play in the field. Ever. He's closer to Dr. Strangeglove than we'd care to believe. What's the best thing we can expect from Dmeat? That the Tigers gets a solid young player or two when he gets shipped at the trade deadline. Not that trading Young means the Tigers will be out of the race, but it does mean that an older DH/1B/LF with a too large contract is easily replacable.

7. Pudge Rodriguez, C: Prima donna or team player, you make the call. The Jim Leyland hiring may be the best thing Dombrowski has done for clubhouse harmony, in that Leyland will not put up with any of Pudge's BS. And Pudge was full of BS last season. Pudge may need a little help from Leyland to realize that, if he wants to be productive with the lumber, he needs to play less behind the plate. 110 games catching, max, and hope that Vance Wilson hits his weight when Pudge sits. DH him if he can stay away from becoming the ugly, impatient hacker he was last season. If he goes back to those habits, keep Pudge low in the order. There is no way he can bat 3rd or 5th (Where Trammell inexplicably seemed to place him most of the time) with a .290 OBP. By raising the OBP, hopefully he can stave off the growing thought that he's no longer a big threat from the plate. I just ask one thing. Pudge, at least throw us fans a bone and have an OBP that is higher than Dmeat's weight...

8. Craig Monroe, LF: If all works as planned, having a player like Monroe batting this low in the order is a luxury not many teams have. The Tigers will be in fine shape if Monroe puts up numbers similar to 2005, .277/20/89, and plays an average LF. He's another that could become a long time Tiger, much like a 00's version of Larry Herndon, but with a better bat.

9. Brandon Inge, 3B: Will he hit like the Inge of the 1st half or the 2nd half? He stung the ball before the All-Star break and slowly regressed at the plate down the stretch. Playing him 20-30 less games than the 160 he played in 2005 would be a start. Considering the dearth of decent 3B's throughout MLB, his .261/16/72 didn'tseem all that bad. But if you look at the season splits, his average dropped 47 points and and his OBP by 86 (!) after the All-Star game. If that doesn't scream, "Sit me occasionally," I don't know what does. I'd love to see Inge go back to his super sub position, the poor man's Tony Phillips he was in 2004, but he's still their best option at 3B. Hopefully Omar Infante will step up into that super sub position and allow Inge to rest.

Looking at the lineup, it's the best we've seen in the D in over a decade. Unfortunately, there are plenty of ifs and buts there as well. The health of Guillen and Ordonez, Pudge staving off the decline that most catchers hit in their early 30's, Inge not wilting, Granderson living up to expectations, and Leyland keeping a short leash on the clubhouse loose cannons. (Supposedly Pudge and Young) Honestly, the Tigers are due more than a few breaks when it comes to health, and young players actually becoming productive major leaguers. If they get those breaks, and that's a big if, we'll be watching an extremely productive offense.

Coming soon in part 2 of "Wild card contenders, or the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked," we'll talk Tigers pitching. More to come...

It's a Coach K world, unfortunately

DUKE! DUKE! DUKE! DUKE! DUKE! DUKE! DUKE! DUKE!

ENOUGH OF THOSE GOD DAMMED DUKE FLOOR SLAPPERS!

I feel better now.

I love March Madness as much as anyone, but it also signifies one thing we cannot avoid. The unleashing of all Dook, all the time.

You know the second round of the NCAA tournament has officially started when CBS gives the Dookies their own timeslot. No other games are broadcast during "Dook time." Why? Does CBS think we're all dying to watch the F'ing Blue Devils? Haven't we seen enough of those damn Coach Kzzysxzefrtteski Amex commercials? Have we missed hearing more of JJ Reddick's "Feel sad for me" poetry? ESPN's almost daily fluffing isn't enough, CBS has to get in on the Dook man-love as well? Is Dook so hurting for attention that they need this seemingly annual tounament slotting?

CBS and the NCAA must think their audience only consists of Dick (I'll bend over for Coach K anywhere, anytime anyhow, BABY!) Vitale and Billy (I'm the MVC's biatch) Packer. Hell, they both must own Nielsen rating boxes. That's the only explanation I can think of....

What makes it worse is that Dook, for better or worse, depending upon you either being a normal hoops fan (98% of the population) or a (ugh) Dook fan, is usually a good team. You can't deny that. The Dookies end up playing a low seed, and the game turns into a blowout, normally before halftime. This is good tournament TV? Hardly.

Of course, in the infinite wisdom of CBS and the NCAA, once the Dook time slot is clear, they schedule multiple games in the remaing time slots. CBS broadcast games from 1pm till 10:30pm, but only Dook got to play by their lonesomes. They couldn't move one of the Jacksonvile sub-regional games into the 1:00-1:15 starting time slot? Nope, that's for Dook, and only Dook! Another game would make too much sense, and cut into Dook's recruiting time. Let's not even go into the unfair recruiting advantages this kind of scheduling give the Dookies.

Of course, despite all this to the contrary, Coach Kzzrtwrfrdski continues to think there's an anti-Dook bias in the media. Uh...Yeah. Whatever it takes to get you though the night, K...

I realize that I'm coming across as a bitter Wolverine fan. I have to blame someone other than Bill Martin for foisting Tommy Amaker upon us. Coach Krzzzytegyfdwski is as good as anyone. For that matter, I can barely remember the last time Michigan beat Dook. The Tractor Traylor era? (As if you can call anytime Traylor played an era)

I'll end by saying this...In the immortal closing words of all Fark.com sports headlines, Duke Sucks.

Remain calm! All is well!

The hatchet has been buried between the TWFE and Third and Five. See the original post and comments for an explanation.

That is all, you can go back to your previously scheduled blogging.

Don Rickles? Triumph the Insult Comic Dog? They have nothing on this guy

In the comments to my last post, someone felt the need to anonymously insult me with this masterful piece of punditry...

Don't be such a baby

Ouch!

Wow...Talk about an attack upon my person! I bet that took some major creative thought on their part, and destroyed millions of brain cells that they couldn't afford to lose in the process. I hope it was worth such a sacrifice!

I discovered some of the other insults they considered using, before settling upon, "Don't be such a baby."

I know you are, but so am I.

Loser says what?

I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

You suck!

Eat me!

You blow!

Your momma!

Nyahh, nyahh, nyahh, nyahh!

You're a big meanie!

You so stoopid!

Neeeeerrrrd!

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries! (OK, no way they'd actually think of that, but it's one of my favorite Monty Python lines and I had to throw it in...)

Pitcher's got a rubber arm!

NOONAN!

Your mother wears army boots!

My dad can beat up your dad!

You're a doodie head!

I'm telling mom on you! (The culprit might be one of my sisters, you never know...)

You liked Jar-Jar-Binks!

You throw like (pick one) Vince Young / Uncle Rico / a girl!

Anyway, I'll try not be such a baby in the future. One piece of advice...I hope you're wearing a helmet while surfing the web, as I wouldn't want to see you hurt yourself. Thanks for reading TWFE!

Call it "The Deadspin Effect"

It only took one small link from the BMOC of sports bloggers, Deadspin, for things to get a little busy at TWFE this afternoon.

Thanks to Kevin at KA.com tipping off the Gawker Media poobahs to my existence, Deadspin posted a link of my trip through Millen's brain. As you can see by the graphic, traffic spiked like Barry Bonds' blood pressure after a dose of HGH with a masking agent chaser...

I feel silly about it now, but when I saw the sudden increase in traffic, I was as insanely happy as The Sports Dude was when he heard Joey Blue Bkies was on the outs. I'm sure the surge in traffic is a temporary thing, but hopefully most of the Deadspinners liked what they saw and will decide to check TWFE out occasionally.

I will admit getting my 15 minutes of web glory was a nice pick me up from the plagiarizing blogger, the Sparty one and out gag job, my tournament brackets getting destroyed, and the Pistons meltdown at Madison Square Garden. Just an ugly night, sports wise.

So it's the end of the day, and I'm thinking, "Now what?" I then realized that with Matt Millen around, I'll never run out of material...

Joey Harrington: Redheaded stepchild

I must say, now that the Lions have Jon Kitna and Josh McCown, the gloves are off. The anti-Harrington propaganda begins. Reports that Joey Harrington acted as mature as an 8 year old who didn't get his way are surfacing.

When he showed up for three days of meetings last week with the team's new coaching staff, he reportedly was sullen and uncooperative. He didn't take notes. He didn't pay attention. He didn't heed advice. In short, he acted as if he didn't want to be there.

I have a nephew in the 2nd grade who could fit that desciption. Why wasn't Joey sent to the office for a good talking to? Couldn't a note be sent to his parents about his attitude? Was giving Joey a timeout ever considered? I bet being told to stand in a corner and think about just what he did would have done wonders. It works on my nephew, why not Joey? Sounds as if Joey needed a good paddling. Spare the rod, spoil the child...


So what went wrong? let's just cut to the chase and say...EVERYTHING. Joey Blue Skies was the wrong player, in the wrong city, at the wrong time, with the wrong organization, with the wrong GM, who just wasn't all that good. He became the city of Detroit's redheaded stepchild, the poster and whipping boy, along with Matt Millen, for all that is wrong with the Lions.

The absolute glee that Joey is gone can be seen everywhere. The Sports Dude, for a typical example, is absolutely giddy!

did I mention that I am EXTREMELY FREAKING HAPPY right now? Finally, no more wet bag of shit gatorade boy throwing passes into the dirt, ala Andre Ware style!

In many ways, it's Grant Hill syndrome. Both were piano playing high draft picks, more popular with the rest of the country than in the city they played in, with a privileged air about them, who didn't fit in the blue collar, beer drinking atmosphere that is Detroit. When they couldn't win, the sniping began and never stopped. They were Oliver Wendell Douglass to our Arnold Ziffel.


In the end, they were both more than ready to leave. Post haste. Much like Lisa Douglass desperately wanted out of Hooterville...

Honestly, I'm glad the Joey Harrington era is coming to an end. I'm tired of talking about it. We're ALL tired of talking about it. I'm ready to move on and talk about more pleasant subjects, like root canals, prostrate exams, the Tigers, and local sports talk radio.

When did Jayson Blair start a Detroit sports blog?

Addendum 3/18/06 - JG, the owner of Third and Five, came forward with an explanation in the comments. The site was a work in progress and was basically using TWFE as a template. The site was not yet ready for public view, not yet fully edited, but I stumbled upon it. I'm fine with his explanation, and welcome JG to the Detroit blogosphere with open arms. Consider the hatchet buried... Now change that intro, JG!

I had a bit of a surprise yesterday.

As I was preparing to call it a night, just as many of us do, I did a Technorati search on my blog to see who's linking to me, and search the subjects I've been writing about. In this case, "Jon Kitna." They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but this caught me totally off guard. Click on the following pics for a better resolution.


Anything look even slightly familiar? Say the right sidebar?

Here's the intro for TWFE....

You really want to know? It's my uninformed and completely biased blatherings on Detroit sports. You may see the occasional pop culture rant and some lame attempts at humor. You have my apologies in advance. I do ask readers to remember one thing..."Ball don't lie."

Here's the intro for the doppelganger blog...

Uninformed and completely biased raves on sports. Tossed in the mixer is an occasional pop culture rant and some lame attempts at humor. For what it's worth, you have my apologies in advance. Readers are only asked to remember one statement that is oh-so-true..."Ball don't lie."

I don't know if I should laugh or be pissed. I'm feeling closer to pissed.

But it gets better.



He took my formating for links, and didn't even change the headline wording. Hell, he just copied my links, juggled the Detroit blog links around, and just decided not to bother altering the rest. I mean how many people link to both the Sports Frog and the Wayne Fontes Fan Club? So he goes to all that trouble, but he didn't bother to link to me? The blog he plagiarised from? Aren't I a valued member of the Detroit sports blog community too? What gives? I'm hurt. That's just bad form.

There is another piece of incriminating evidence. He actually has the nerve to take a pic from here, from this post on NHL scheduling. It's nowhere near a big deal, obviously, other than proof he's been to TWFE.


Taking the pic is nothing. Hell, it's just a pic I found on the web, but I'm positive he found it on TWFE. If you haven't noticed, each pic that appears on TWFE gets a specific name, usually in a joking reference to my post. In this case, it's named "where_the_nhl_rates_on_the_iq_chart." He didn't bother to change the pics name when he posted it to his blog. How Gil Grissom of me, eh?

Thing is, it looks like he put some thought into content. Why take all the shortcuts in regard to the formating and introduction? How hard is it to write your own intro and format your sidebar? It's one thing to look at other blogs for ideas, and make them yours. But plagiarism is not something I'm going to shrug off. I realize this isn't the scale of the Jayson Blair New York Times scandal, this is just a little blog that gets 40-50 visits on a good day. (Hey, it's over 80 visits today, cool!) But this is my little space of the web, and I'm going to protect it.

It was from reading the other local blogs (You all know who you are, as I've linked to you) that inspired me to jump in the blog waters with both feet. I've had a hella good time doing TWFE so far. 99.9% of the other fish in the Detroit blog pond have been über cool, and I've gotten wonderful feedback. I've even enjoyed getting called out, getting a little haterade, such as being designated a "Nattering Nabob of Negativity." That one made my day...

So I just wanted to get this out, as it was really bothering me. I hope whomever started the doppelganger blog makes the proper changes, as it'd be the right thing to do.

Tommorow it's back to Millen bashing, Leyland loving, Amaker questioning, and other general foolishness... Thanks for reading.

Inside Millen's brain...

Wow, I'm in early today, it's almost noon. Whatevs. I knew that "Fire Millen" stuff would blow over, suckers! So what should I be doing today? I know! Let's check my off season to-do list. Where did I put it? Goddammit, it's in Pennsylvania! I'd forget my 'stache if it wasn't attached. I love my 'stache. Yes, I do. Did I wax it today?

Come on, Millen, get back on track!!! Now what was I doing? Oh yeah, get the to-do list. What to do, what to do? Should I ask Lewand? Nah, he'll tell W.C. Marinelli? He'll just lecture me on my lack of disipline and make me give him 20. He's called me Private Gomer Pyle too many times already. I know, I'll call the wife, she'll know what to do. Wait a sec. I think I have a copy, I'll look in Morningweg's old desk. I miss Marty, he was funny with that "The bar is high" and "Snap, hold, kick" stuff. Hee!

Ah-ha! Gotcha! OK Millen, where do we stand? Hmmmm...

1. Hire an unkown head coach
Done! Saved a couple of million bucks, W.C. was so proud of me! Marinelli scares me a little, why does he call me Private Gomer Pyle anyway? If I stay in my office, he won't see me. Cool.

2. Hire a head case former head coach as a coordinator
I can check that off too. It was like pulling teeth, and I had to break a restraining order, but I did it! I did it! I got Mike Martz for a year, even if I told the media it was a multi year deal! Hee! Billy Jr. was so proud of me!

3. Piss off Joey
Hee! That was a piece of cake. I had that crazy SOB Martz do it for me.

4. Sign a quarterback
Boy howdy, I had too pull the wool over Kitna's eyes and promise him he could start! I hope Jon keeps it on the hush, hush, on the QT. It was nice of W.C. to fork over a couple of extra million to help convince him. I love W.C!

5. Sign a quarterback
How'd that get on the list twice? Whoopsie! Can I tell McCown it was just an honest mistake and can he please just forget the whole thing? Dammit, he already signed the contract? Maaaaaan. Oh well, I'll just tell W.C. and leak it to Killer that Joey wants to leave, everyone will believe that. But I told Josh he coulld start too! Millen, you bonehead! Oh well, that nutso MF'er Martz will handle it.

6. Sign a wide receiver
Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, can't have too many of 'em, that's my motto! I want to stay on the good side of that batshiat crazy Martz, anyway.

7. Sign a wide reveiver
I put that on the list again? Millen, you big dummy! Good thing I'm double checking the list. I gotta call Keyshawn and T.O., tell 'em...What should I say...Oh yeah, that Mike Williams lost 30 pounds, so we aren't moving him to tight end! They'll believe that.

8. Sign a tight end
I didn't want Martz to get all in my face about having more weapons. I hope he likes the dude from Dallas. I think he said he can catch passes and not just block. I gotta talk to Martz about Mike Williams. He would be a good tight end, as he weighs close to 3 bills right now.

8. Cut Joey
I'll save that for next week. Joey's smoking some Thai stick over in Thailand anyway, maybe he'll just get suspended before I have to break the news to him. I'm going to miss Joey sooooo much.

7. Draft a skill position player in the first round
Hee! That'll piss off the media and fans! I can't wait to see the look on Killer's face. I bet the "Fire Millen" stuff starts again, that'll be FUN! I gotta call Kiper and ask who I should draft. He's been putting a bug in my ear about that guy Cutlet, Cutter, Butler, what the hell is his name? No biggie, Mel will know. I like Mel, he has cool hair. He should grow a 'stache.

Is that the phone? Who would that be? I hope it's not Lewand, he'll ask me why we signed another QB! Oh hell, it's that damn psycho, Martz. He's probably calling to remind me that I haven't signed a skill positon player in over 24 hours! Christ, what am I thinking? I need to find one, STAT!

Lions fans, we are at DEFCON 1! I repeat, DEFCON 1!

The soap opera that is the Detroit Lions continues. When I last left you, the Lions QB controversy was starting in earnest. You know it's a big deal whe the Little Fella deigns to weigh in with his opinion. He covers many of the same bases all the Detroit bloggers did yesterday, but I digress... Kitna vs Harrington, the battle begins. The arguing got us all lightheaded.

Then we got word that Kalimba Edwards recieved a 20 million dollar contract coming off a 7 sack season. Our heads began to spin. A blocking tight end from Dallas, Dan Campbell, was given a 5 year contract. We were staggered, but still standing. All that was nothing, compared to the bombshell that landed this morning, like a scud missile right between the eyes. It has hit the fan in regard to the quarterback position.


Killer Kowalski, shiat stirrer extraordinaire, has put all of Southeastern Michigan at Lions alert level red with his Booth Newspapers opinion piece and radio appearances today. The Killer is all but saying Joey Blue Skies will be released, at his request, as he unhappy, fed up, and ready to blow town. It was a speculative column, with no quotes attributed to Harrington. But you'd think Killer must be getting information from someone on the inside, as he put it in print. You also have the fact that you may have a backup QB in Harrington that costs 12 million towards your cap number, if Kitna is the starter. And we all realize that's pure insanity. Saying sports radio, message boards, and the blogosphere exploded in an orgasmic frenzy of opinion is understating things.

Then the plot thickened...

NFL Network's Adam Schefter appeared on NFL Total Access and on local radio with the nugget that the Lions are still talking to Josh McCown. That statement does fit the Harrington is leaving story, in that if Harrington is going to be released, there is a definite need for another QB. Cue even more speculation!

Also, we have all heard the rumors that the draft stocks of Vince Young and Jay Cutler are dropping like Drew Rosenhaus' credibilty, especially with the Drew Brees signing removing the Saints from the QB market. So the possibility of a top prospect being available when the Lions pick at #9 is still very much alive. At this point, heads of Lions fans begin to implode.

So what is going on in Allen Park? We need to seperate the wheat from the chaff, in somewhat chronological order.

Fact: Steve Mariucci was not a Harrington supporter. Remember Mariucci's explanation for all the dropped passes? It was Joey's fault.
Fact: The locker room is not happy with Harrington, as per Dre' Bly.
Fact: Neither is the fanbase, they're pissed beyond belief.
Fact: Mooch gets the ziggy, and interim coach Dick Jauron refuses to play Harrington. Even as Jauron's campaigning for the job, he feels rag armed, one legged Jeff Garcia is his best bet to win games.
Fact: The only decision maker left with ties to Harrington is Matt Millen.
Fact: Millen was quoted as saying that he won't have say as to who starts under center, that's Marinelli's call.
Fact: The current coaching regime has praised Harrington's skills in the media.
Fact: Skins QB Patrick Ramsey, allowed to seek a trade, visited Allen Park.
Fact: As did Josh McCown.
Fact: The Lions sign Kitna to a 4 year, 11.5 million contract, 3.5 million up front. That's not backup money. He was known to be looking for a starting opportunity.
Fact: Harrington is owed a 4 million dollar roster bonus on June 15th. His cap number will be around 12 million. Christ almighty, that's top ten QB money.
Fact: Harrington is not a top 10 QB.
Fact: If Harrington is cut, the cap hit is not extrordinary, it's actually cheaper than keeping him.

Rumor: The Lions like Jay Cutler, according to several of the early mock drafts.
Rumor: The Lions were interested in Drew Brees, according to Schefter, but was deemed too expensive for damaged goods.
Rumor: Wobb Parker says there is friction between Martz and Harrington, the Martz QB school did not go well.
Rumor: If the new coaching staff were actually happy with Joey, and vice versa, why would the Lions sign Kitna to that kind of money?
Rumor: Josh McCown is still in play.
Rumor: Today Killer opines that Joey wants out, ASAP, and the Lions are willing to grant his wish.

So connect the dots, and you can see where the bye-bye Joey speculation is coming from. Why keep Joey, if he's unhappy and you believe you have better, cheaper options? It's been 4 long years, and despite my half joking speculation that Harrington was starter for life, the time has come to cut bait and bail on the Joey Harrington era. It's never going to work. Ever. He doesn't want to be here, the fans are tired of him, the locker room doesn't respect him, and the new coaching regime believes they can win with Mike Martz laying his hands upon whatever QB's end up in camp. So why suffer with a QB no one other than Matt Millen wants? As if Millen being in your corner is a ringing endorsement...

Where does all this leave us, the long suffering Lions fan? first, I do NOT want to see the first pick used on a QB, we've been burned too many times. Just say Long, Ware, and Harrington to any Lions fan, and we curl up in the fetal position. Personally, I'm hoping for a competion between Kitna and McCown. I know it would cause a controversy, but what else is new in Detroit? It's not a normal fall without we fans biatching about the quarterbacking. The more talent the Lions have under center, the better. You also have to consider that QB's get hit often in Martz's offense. I'd rather see 2 experienced QB's under contract, rather than relying on Orlovsky and a draft pick backing up Kitna.

All in all, after considering every option, I've come to one conclusion. I have a headache...

Like sands through the hourglass, so change the quarterbacks of the Lions

The Lions have a new quaterback and it's Jon Kitna. Not a bad aquisition, even though I have previously stated that I do have reservations about him.

If the Lions go with Kitna, you get what you get. And what is that? An established veteran who may take you to the verge of the playoffs. Odds are that it won't be much farther. In other words, a more personable Scott Mitchell. Maybe a younger Dave Kreig. But he'll only cost you money. Being a veteran, Kitna would be an easier sell as a starter to the rest of the Lions as well.

What's most interesting is the contract, for 4 (!) years. That leaves an opening for all kinds of speculation. Was Jon Kitna brought in to start? Kitna has been quoted in the past that he wants such an opportunity, that's why he left the Bengals. What of Joey Harrington, does he still figure in the Lions' long term plans? Harrington is due to make a huge amount of money this season. The Lions have till June 1st to make a decision on his roster bonus, and could still cut their losses. Are the Lions going to cut Harrington, ride Kitna for a few years, and draft a QB? Do they think Cutler or Young will drop to the nunber 9 pick? Or...Keep Harrington, and have Kitna has a quality backup? According to the Killer, he says it's the second scenario that is the likely one...

no, i don't think that kitna's four-year deal means the end of harrington ... i think it means the lions got tired of playing musical chairs at backup quarterback and they want someone who will be around for awhile and well-versed in the offense ... if harrington's not here next year, i think the lions make another move and go after a no. 1 quarterback ..

This signing leaves us with more questions than answers. Basically, who in the HELL is the starter? Kitna? Joey? Or is the QB who'll be under center in Spetember still not on the current roster? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm inclined to say that you don't sign Kitna without telling him that he'll get an opportunity to compete for the job. That's Lions speak for, "The job is yours as long as you don't screw the pooch in the preseason."

Look at the stats, and Kitna does have much better track record than Harrington. Shoot, we don't need even need to look at the stats, it's obvious. It could be that Mike Martz has a big say, and hasn't liked what he's seen of Harrington in his ongoing "QB school." Wobb Parker hinted as such in his lame "Locker Room Confidential" segment on WDIV's Sports Final Edition Sunday night. I hate to say this, but a blind squirrel may have stumbled over a nut.

Now that Kitna is under contract, we are guaranteed at least one thing. The annual Lions QB controversy begins now! Will Kitna vs Harrington rate up there with Layne vs Rote, Plum vs Sweetan, Munson vs Landry, Danielson vs Hipple, Peete vs Kramer vs Ware, Mitchell vs Batch, and Harrington vs Garcia? Talk about a "Murderer's Row" of QB's...

If it's a new season, it's the same old Detroit Lions QB controversy. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Or should I say, meet the new boss, same as the old boss...

Urgency: defined as something of pressing importance requiring speedy action

A sense of urgency. It's a good thing to have when you are trying to establish a winning philosophy. When you haven't won anything in a decade or more, you'd think a sense of urgency would be essential. That urgency is what Jim Leyland and the Tigers are trying to establish, succuessfuly so far, according to Eno. I'm inclined to agree. Leyland is not accepting the Tigers past status quo of lowered standards, and has been quite vocal in those feelings.

So that put me to thinking, who else in Detroit needs to up their urgency quotient? What teams immeadiately come to mind? The Lions and Wolverine basketball.

But that sense of urgency that the Tigers are desperately trying to establish is what Matt Millen and the Lions are missing during the opening days of free agency. You could say the same thing about Tommy Amaker and the Wolverine basketball team, in their belief that a NCAA seed was locked up a month ago.

Neither situation is one where you should think you are set to go. You'd either be clueless or have your head in the sand, most likely both. What it does show is that Millen and Amaker feel little to no pressure from above for immeadiate improvement. William Clay Ford and Bill Martin seem happy with infantesimal progress, if any. Hard to believe, but that's what their not asking for some sort of accountability shows.

The Lions conspicuous lack of activty in regard to free agency tells you one thing. That in Matt Millen's pathologically delusional mind, he's positive that he already has a playoff team in place. He has to feel the reason they didn't make the playoffs last year falls squarely on Steve Marruicci. Why else would the Lions not pursue any top tier free agents? Why the reports that the Lions think their main priority is resigning their own free agents, the ones that led them to that wonderful 6-10 record and a fan revolt? All we've seen coming to Detroit for an interview/pitch are 2 backup QB's and a #4 receiver. (I just heard the Lions signed that reciever, Corey Bradford. What an...underwhelming signing)

While the best players are quickly being locked up by more aggressive organizations, the Lions are in wait and see mode. It's looking more and more as if the Lions are just going to patch up their gaping holes with second tier free agents and the draft. Sure, my opinion could change if the Lions land a Julian Peterson. There's been no signs of that happening, unfortunately. The onus is being put on the new coaching staff and their (Hopefully) upgraded schemes to make this team a winner. It sure doesn't look like it'll be via a major upgrade in personnel. That's an awful situation for a rookie head coach.

Tommy Amaker, on the other hand, let his players think a NCAA berth was a done deal. Amaker coached as if the tournament was a given. Daniel Horton was even quoted as saying that they thought a bid was locked up after beating the Illini. Big talk from a team that played a cupcake out of confrence schedule, didn't beat a single ranked team on the road, and played the Big 10 tournament as if it was an afterthought.

Anyone who thinks the Wolverines were jobbed out of a NCAA seed is as delusional as Millen. I sincerly hope the Wolverines don't feel that way, as they earned the snub.

I'd love to see the Michigan Mafia light a fire under the basketball program. But if Amaker felt any pressure from the administration or the mafia to make the NCAA's, he sure didn't show it. If there is one sure thing that will create a sense of urgency, it's when your job is at risk. Obviously, Amaker's job security isn't an issue at Michigan, as they seem prefectly happy with getting the #1 seed in the NIT. Talk about reaching for the stars...

Both Michigan and the Lions need to find the fire that Jim Leyland is lighting down in Lakeland. We aren't even seeing smoke signals coming out of Allen Park and Ann Arbor.